lost what i wrote last, but i found a cycle, a triangle, a repeat in history.
it was outside nick’s house, the idea occurred to me as we were parked and debating sneaking into the neighbor’s yard to play on their swings since ours were all torn down and toby’s were so far away at the end of the south shore.
i lost it, as soon as it was there, but it was the ambivalence- do i jump in and get lost, or do i leave myself unriddled by the pathogen and keep control, the kind of control that seeks out these serendipities anyway?
i’ve been drinking more than i’ve been smoking. it feels like the zest of the summer. not just because i’m turning 21 soon and there will be no more roof over my head, but because for some reason i feel more in control, which isn’t technically, chemically the case. it’s just the feeling i get. i don’t like it, i don’t want to spurn my mary or act like i don’t need her beautiful haze. i like being lifted, there are just fewer and further between people i enjoy being around in her context these days.
it’s a shame. but it’s relaxing tonight to revisit, but i feel my energy bleed out of me. it must be last night’s shenanigans, between the hotel, the bar, then back to the tub, then the cab and on the train and finally in my car in front of his house. i like him.
fucking new jersey.
can’t sleep cos i’m on molly and pretty drunk.
where’s my night in shining armor to whisk my focus away with a shining steed of a sext?! the fairy tales totally lied
sometimes it’s liberating, and sometimes i’m just all alone
obligatory 4/20 wrap up
last night vaped the shit out of lewis, it kinda worked! woke up, baked with erin and danced around to solid gold oldies. songs posted later. went out to the lawn and laid out, had a picnic of french fries, mayo and ketchup, with a banana dipped in peanut butter washed down with a strawberry lemonade. zen garden with the fountain flowing with margot and sarah and then headed back to my house
i’m sorry i haven’t truly been writing, or sharing… i have been thinking, the wheels are turning, but i’ve been feeling so dark and trapped that it hardly feels like i want to share the doom and gloom with others.
that said, this is a highary. when i’m low, i just leave you to neglect. and lately smoking has been bringing me down, i’m sad to say. that comes from me, of course. i’m well aware that your sober disposition will lead you into your lifted disposition. i also think i need to reconnect with my vaping days, which means i’ll need to get my hand on another genie… those days i got shit DONE, son! but seriously, smoking bowls every day has just been slowing me up rather than helping me fly.
wait til i get it all back. i’ll come back bigger and better than ever. i’m working on it. it’s all a process.
omg shes so fucking annoying when she’s drunk
i want 🍟